The Pain of Ptwang

The poverty of Ptwang

The people of the Ptwang Peninsula have been airbrushed so succesfully from history that, today, many people do not even realise that they exist.

Victims of over two centuries of shameful exploitation at the hands of the war-mongering, commercial giant that was Great Britain, the natives of Ptwang now find themselves and their tiny province ignored by the rest of the world. The rape and pillage of their natural resources and, specifically, the commercial mining of sweet flange, has left the country and its people disease-ridden and trapped in poverty. That their plight is ignored by the creators of their woes is a crime against humanity that is without parallel.

It is time that something was done and this website represents the beginning and the focus of an awareness campaign which is designed to stir our politicians into action and to force the British government to, at last, do something constructive and meaningful to alleviate the suffering that this country has inflicted on the Ptwangians and their province.

We offer no apology for the content of this site. Some of the things you will read here and some of the images that you will see could be described as upsetting or even disturbing. If we have to upset every citizen of the United Kingdom in our fight for justice for Ptwang, then so be it. The people of Ptwang have suffered too much and for too long and the time for action in long overdue.

If, after reading the content of this site, you feel compelled to help, then we will have taken the first steps towards our goal. The Ptwangians must suffer no more. They deserve your support and, much more, they deserve justice.

Typical Housing - Fuk D'Nau, Ptwang

The only way to alleviate the suffering of the people of the Ptwang Peninsula is by getting the British government to act.

For over two hundred years, the plight of the Ptwangians has been ignored, while their country has been plundered. The government has to act and it has to act now!

Write to your M.P. and make plain your feelings. Tell your M.P. that it is time to act, time for questions to be raised in the House of Commons, time to save the Ptwangians from the horrors that have been inflicted upon them by generations of commercial exploitation and the ravages of disease.

Do it NOW - don’t hesitate. The people of the Ptwang Peninsula need you.

We don’t want your money, we want your heart, for it is time we shouted in one voice, “Ptwangers, have your dignity!” as we hang our heads in shame for two centuries of cruelty and exploitation.

Arthur Askey CBE

Comic entertainer of radio, television and screen, Arthur Askey spent many relaxing months at his holiday home on the Ptwang Peninsula. Arthur fell in love with Ptwang when he was stationed there shortly after the First World War.

Terry Christian

One of the Peninsula’s chiefs is none other than Mancunian broadcaster Terry Christian. Terry is currently chief of the chaki tribe. Bob Billingham, a modern day explorer, happened upon Terry whilst writing his travel journal called ‘In Search of the Sweet Stuff’ in 2005.

“After four days searching for the Ptwang Dwarf Beetle I came to a small village at the edge of the river Ya-Ku-Boo. The natives took me to the chief, they were friendly if not a little suspicious of my presence. The villagers took me inside a hut in the centre of the village. As my eyes adjusted to the dark smoke filled mud hut, I began to make out the features of the chief. Imagine my surprise when I realised it was Terry Christian, former presenter of Channel 4’s The Word. Terry had only popped into the village for a poo. There was some issue with the translation and now he was the chief.” - In Search of the Sweet Stuff, Bob Billingham

Terry is very happy in his new role and has appeared to have settled in very well. He is often seen with the former band members of KLF. Very few people realised that the Justified Ancients of Mu Mu were actually a tribe on the south eastern coast of Ptwang. They were a great inspiration for the 80’s acid house band.

Petula Clark CBE

So horrified at the suffering she saw on a stop-over on the Ptwang Peninsula while on her way to Singapore, Petula Clark dedicated the flip-side of her 1965 single You’re The One, a protest song called Gotta Tell The World, to the orphans of Ptwangian flange miners. It is understood that accumulated royalties have, to date, contributed over £35 to this good cause.

Sir Cliff Richard

Although Sir Cliff has vowed never to touch Flange himself he does however own several flange pits in the Hup-Capp delta. His treatment of the local population, trying to convert them to Christianity and to be photographed looking impressed at British Prime Minister Tony Blair who regularly holidays at Sir Cliff’s seventeen bedroomed mud mansion has brought him fierce criticism from Chief Terry Christian, a fierce Bennite and member of Opus Fae. “If I catch him round our end,” says the former Word presenter, “Me and Mark Lamarr are gonna drop a telly on him. Then we’ll see if the bag rumours are true.”

Nicholas Nickleby

Although fictional and having no connection to Ptwang mentioned in any of Dickens’ work, Nicholas Nickleby is very much a cult figure in the peninsula. So much so that the, for want of a better word, medicine man of each tribe keeps a Nicholas Nickleby diary, noting on a daily basis sightings of Nicholas or indeed Wackford Squeers. These can lead to an exceptionally dull read “Tuesday 26th May-No Nickleby, Wednesday 27th May No Nickleby Friday 28th May. Slightly Smikey feeling all morning, but alas no Nicholas.”

It is thought by many that the 1982 Blue Turtle uprising was due to a Red Cross worker suggesting they may be thinking of David Copperfield. Under no account point out a parrot to a Ptwanger and say, “Look it’s Mrs Maccaw-ber.”

Midge Ure OBE

Midge Ure (Real name James Ure) spent time on the Ptwang Peninsula shortly after being denied the number one spot by Joe Dolce. Midge was deeply traumatised and had to spend several months with the spiritual flangelists of Spank-Tass mountain. Keen to put this episode behind him, Midge has done nothing to promote awareness of the plight of the Ptwangers.

Leonard (Lenny) (Tagaloo) Partridge 1825-1874

Lenny Partridge was born on the 14th May 1825 in Capplescrape, just outside Halifax in West Yorkshire. Lenny lived in Capplescrape with his 7 brothers and 8 sisters. Lenny was the youngest son of a Rat Squealer, from an early age Lenny would spend the evenings squealing rats. Lenny’s mother died of shafters elbow when Lenny was only 13. Lenny’s father found it hard bringing up the children on his own, as a result, at the age of 14 Lenny joined the 4th West Yorkshire Buff Winklers.

During his time with the 4th West Yorkshire Buff Winklers, Lenny gained a reputation of being the regiments best shot. Obviously the years spent Rat Squealing with his father had paid off. It wasn’t long before Lenny came to the attention of Major Bunty Bunting. Impressed by his skills, Bunty made Lenny his batman. He served with Bunting for fifteen years and was a faithful servant. Bunting, who could be quite demanding, had a soft spot for Lenny and always referred to him as, dear Lenny. Bunting always said that one of the saddest days in his life was the day Lenny told him he was staying behind in Ptwang.

Even during the great 1855 flange hunt, Lenny got on well with the local tribes people of Ptwang. He was especially fond of hunting the Dwarf Beetle. Over time the locals began grew to like and respect Lenny. The Ptwangers affectionately called him Tagalooo (Which roughly translates to ??He with the eagle eyes from far far land of the great white water stalk??).

When Lenny left Bunty’s services he lived amongst the chu-chu tribe. He was their champion Dwarf Beetle hunter. He was eventually given the honour of becoming the chu-chu chief. The chu-chu tribe prospered for many years under Lenny’s leadership. Unfortunately in 1874 Lenny succumbed to the dreaded flange madness (A condition brought on by continued exposure to acrid flange). A terrible madness overtook Lenny, his faithful tribe followed him into the great Flange Pit of Spank-Tass mountain. People still say you can hear their screams on a winters night.

N’Po Min Jeeta

N’Po Min Jeeta achieved brief celebrity, in 1983, when he took his compensation claim to the High Court in London.

Twenty-seven years previously, N’Po had been declared dead by an unscrupulous uncle, with the connivance of the local mayor and a multi-national flange-mining corporation, based in Britain. Between them, they sought to dispossess N’Po of land which he had inherited from a chief on his mother’s side of the family, Fl’Pin Wu. The land, although predominantly agricultural and of no apparent interest to anyone, had been secretly surveyed in 1948 by one Claude de Ruemontfort, a geologist attached to the French Secret Service.

It was not until he’d been “dead” for seven years that N’Po Min Jeeta discovered that his land held large, hidden and untapped reserves of sweet flange and that his uncle, now a multi-millionaire, had emigrated to California.

N’Po’s struggle to be recognised as being alive and well met with a brick wall with local officials - most of whom simply refused to speak to him, on the grounds that, being dead, he wasn’t actually there.

It was not until the arrival of Petula Clark, who visited Ptwang in 1965, that N’Po finally found, in Albert Forthcastle, one of Ms Clark’s roadies, a sympathetic ear.

Catapulting the Pygmy Donkey

This ancient Ptwang game, which involves launching a Ptwang Pygmy Donkey through the air via a Cheggers-elastic, trebuchet catapult, was banned by the first Governor of Ptwang, Charles Whittington-Golders, as one of his first pieces of legislation, in 1855.

Ptwang Hui-Yup-Bang, as it was called by the natives, was customarily played at the time of the full moon and, to win the game, a team had to catapult five, adult pygmy donkeys a distance of one K’Mu (about 200 metres) into a net made from vines. Needless to say, as the participants were often high on acrid flange, mistakes were made and several donkeys died.

Following prohibition, the sport went underground and, although it is still practised to this day, the last confirmed sighting, by a Westerner, of a game in progress, took place in 1913.

Rare photograph of a Ptwang Pygmy Donkey Trebuchet

Nikki Nokki Aido

With some pressing the IOC to include the ancient Ptwang sport of Nikki Nokki Aido in the 2012 Olympics there is some hope amongst the people of the Peninsula that a gold medal in London will gain their plight some recognition on the international stage.

Played with teams of seven, the team in to bat approach the hut of one of the home team and elect the Batsman. This selection process uses a series of discussions about whose turn it is to bat, who did it last time, why people electing not to bat are less manly than those who went last time, how ugly a non-volunteers sister is and accusations of incontinence.

Points are scored by umpires as to the quality of discussion held, points are lost if the biggest player has continuous use of the batsman’s pads.

Once the batsman is decided he must then go up to the defending team’s hut door and bang for as long as possible before running away. The defending player must answer the door before the batsman runs away and hides behind a wall. If the batsman is spotted, the defending player must shout, “Bugger off down your own end!” or, “I know your dad!” The batsman is then out.

Play continues until all batsman are out, they must then bugger off down their own end at which point the defending team go into attack. The game is played over three innings (or in the famous 96 cup final 2 innings and one outing).

Introduction to Flangelism

Due of the secretive nature of Flangelism, very little material about the religion exists in the public domain. Here at The Pain of Ptwang we intend to uncover this powerful and sometimes sordid religion. Many would be surprised to find out that Flangelism is now practised throughout the world, by some of the most powerful people on the planet.

The origin of Flangelism is of course Ptwang. The Flangelist mystics or shamans have been practicing Flangelism for many centuries. Flangelism was brought back to Europe by Major “Bunty” Bunting during the 1850’s. The Bunting family at that time was one of the most powerful in Europe, indeed the world. Bunty soon introduced some of the most influential and powerful people in society to the way of the Flange, from captains of industry to artists and royalty. Since that time this highly secretive religion has spread. Some now say that an elite group of Flangelists, known as the Grand Order of the Pygmy Donkey, rule the world.

Initiation Ceremony – Drinking form the Woolly Cup

One of the things we do know a little about is the Flangelist initiation ceremony. The explorer Bob Billingham stumbled on the journal of Leonard (Lenny) (Tagaloo) Partridge, whilst exploring the caves of Spank-Tass mountain. The journal detailed a ceremony Lenny accidentally observed. Here is his account…

22nd September 1855
What a day today, this morning started of really well, I’d managed to clean up the Major’s (Major Bunty Bunting) boots and press his dress uniform before the he got up. After bathing and shaving the Major, he told me that I should have the day off. This was great news because Chief Laki Raki was going Dwarf Beetle hunting and had invited me along. I bagged four Beetles before lunch. This was my best score yet. I spent the afternoon partaking in Sweet Flange. After dinner I took my pipe and went for a stroll. I’d walked about half a mile when I smelt the unmistakable Acrid Flange. After walking a little further I could hear chanting. I walked towards the voices and could make out the dim glow of a fire ahead of me. I carefully made my way towards the fire and found myself on the edge of a clearing. In the centre of the clearing was a platform made from Bamboo and Cheggars plant. On the top of the platform sat in a chair was Major Bunty. Major Bunty was completely naked apart from a blindfold. In front of Major Bunty were what looked like a dozen tribesmen dressed in elaborate costumes. They all wore headdresses made from the head of the Pygmy Donkey. The man at the front of the group would chant and Major Bunty would reply “Yaku Yaku Bu Bu”. This went on for several minutes until finally the man at the front of the group walked up to the platform holding what appeared to be a cup. The cup looked to be made from the wool of the Barking Sheep Goat. The cup was offered up to Major Buntys mouth. Major Bunty then drank from this woolly cup. I could see what could only be sweet flange dripping down his face. On seeing this I ran back to my billet, leaving behind me the manic cries and shrieks of the Major.

23rd September 1855
I hardly slept last night, the images were etched into my mind. This morning the Major asked me if I’d been out walking last night, he told me one should not speak of the things in the jungle. He gave me a look I would never forget. I knew that I would never tell another soul about the events of last night.

It is thought that the Barking Sheep Goat and the Pygmy Donkey are the symbols of the Sun and the Moon, the male and the female. They signify the creation of the universe and all life in it. The Barking Sheep Goat is the Moon Mother and the Pygmy Donkey is the Sun King. Drinking from the Woolly cup is a metaphor for re-birth. Once you drink from the Woolly cup you are born into the world of Flangelism.

More from the world of Flangelism coming soon…

The existence of Sweet Flange has been known about since the first voyage of Captain Cook, when Botanist Joseph Banks noted a sweet smell in certain areas of the Ptwang Peninsula in 1768. At that time, it was not known what caused the smell. Banks believed it to be produced by the flora of the peninsula but he could not find any botanical samples that produced it.

19th century Flange rocket fuel tests, Salisbury Plain

A mineral like substance was found by Banks that seemed to possess the sweet smell of Sweet Flange and he brought several samples back to England. He believed that the mineral was an agglomeration of flora and it was the decomposition of this that caused the smell.

Tests of the samples by Humphrey Davies found that, while the mineral did contain some organic material, it had large quantities of inorganic material and he concluded that Sweet Flange was in fact a mineral and not an agglomeration of decomposing flora.

It was during Davies experiments that the flammability and explosive properties of Sweet Flange were noted. However it was difficult to synthesise useful quantities with the samples available. From this work Major Bunting of the British Army was charged with returning to Ptwang to obtain more material. Due to the difficultly of extracting the material, insufficient quantities were found for mass production. However Professor Hopkins of Coventry University continued research into the material.

He found, for instance, that Sweet Flange could help to stabilise explosives for transport after it had been “refined”. The refining process is now known, in fact, to be a conversion process.

Flange Refinery, Bradford, mid-19th century

It is now known that Sweet Flange exists in what the energy industry now calls Heavy Flange and that the lighter Sweet Flange can be produced naturally from Heavy Flange under the temperature and humidity conditions found only in Ptwang. The first useful refining was achieved in 1858 by Dr Ludwig Van Ettlebruck of Vohburg at the University of Dusseldorf. During German imperial expansion, the German Navy were interested in a fuel that was more effective than coal or oil and, due to the earlier work of Davies, they became interested.

The process required reaction of a Heavy Flange-1,2,3 Tri-chloromethane over a Platinum-Palladium catalyst at high temperature and pressure. The process required quick quenching to avoid explosions of the purer Sweet Flange at these temperatures. As such it was difficult to scale-up to useful industrial scales.

After the development of the Flange Suppositories by Professor Hopkins, further work was carried out by the Dutch Chemist Jos Van der Bobbelmink at the University of Delft, sponsored by German Chemical giant GFVA of Bremerhaven. He found that, by first stabilising Heavy Flange with an aromatic solvent, much lower temperatures could be used to synthesise the “refined” Sweet Flange. However, conversions were very low and vast quantities of Sour Flange were produced which was highly toxic - the vapours of which would cause people to act in a very argumentative way – even for a Dutchman.

British Flange Refinery, Manchester, 1868

However, the Germans noted that Sweet Flange could produce copious quantities of energy and even converted a train of the Bavarian State Railways to run on it. However with tensions rising between the German and British empires sources of Flange were cut off from the Germans.

After World War I, some work was done by the fledgling oil industry to try to convert more of the Heavy Flange into a useful fuel. However the disposal of Sour Flange remained a problem and several of the larger oil companies lobbied successfully to have Flange banned in many US states, thus rendering it useless as a fuel.

Work by the French chemist Antoine de Bernaise found that, when burnt, Sweet Flange produced virtually no pollutants and that none of what are now called Greenhouse Gases appeared in the exhaust. The mechanisms for this are still not clear; it is believed that, due to its highly combustible nature and volatility, the exhaust gases from burning Sweet Flange actually react together to produce nothing more harmful than water and nitrogen.

Following World War II, further interest in Flange was created after a US Army Corps of Engineers Geologist studied the area of Ptwang. The US Navy used the Dutch-German process developed by Van der Bobbelmink to manufacture a solid fuel propellant for its weather missile tests of the early 1950s. It was during this time that it was noticed that the combustion gases from the missiles produced little or no smoke and chemical analysis showed that few of the gases now associated with global warming were produced.

Once again, though, the interest in Flange waned because of its high production costs and the terrible suffering of the miners of Ptwang.

In the 1980s, when interest in cold fusion was producing great excitement, a research fellow at the University of Southern Kansas retried a cold fusion experiment using a solution of Heavy Flange and NMP. Through this he found that he could produce useful quantities of Sweet Flange. Unlike the earlier German method of production, however, this produced a by-product - Black Flange.

1962 Flange rocket test

There is now much interest in this production method as further experimentation with Sweet Flange has shown that a solution of it in water can be used in existing internal combustion engines with only minor modifications in the design. Of particular interest is that the GHG emissions of engines running on the Sweet Flange solution are 95% lower than existing petrol or diesel engines.

Another area where Sweet Flange could be used is in power generation where it is considered a cleaner version of existing fossil fuel plants and more environmentally acceptable than nuclear power.

Of major concern, however, is the by-product of the cold fusion process; Heavy Flange. This has been found to be both a strong mutagen and carcinogen and like its more useful cousin, Sweet Flange, highly combustible. When it burns, it produces a thick black smoke which is highly toxic.

For Sweet Flange to take its place as a world fuel the problem of the safe disposal of the Heavy Flange needs to be addressed. It is hoped that this problem can be solved.

Heavy lobbying by the oil industry has always been another barrier to the adoption of Sweet Flange as a potential fuel. After the problems found with the storage of MTBE, many oil companies reminded legislators that the storage of Heavy Flange is a serious issue and that this needs to solved before Sweet Flange can be more widely adopted as a fuel.

Oil companies had also lobbied heavily against Sweet Flange when the US Navy were experimenting with it as a fuel. As a result, the Sherman-Torrent act of 1951 restricted its use to military purposes and then only as a propellant for missiles.

Sweet Flange

Flange Pit - North-west Ptwang

Sweet Flange has been a blessing and a curse to the Ptwangers. Because of the unique geology of the Ptwang Peninsula, Sweet Flange is found nowhere else on the planet. It is a combination of a coal like substance and an organism known as Flangula Latuseris. It was given the name of Sweet Flange by the first western visitors because of its sweet smell. The locals used the substance for pretty much everything, including, medicines, food, clothing and building materials.

Sweet Flange – As a narcotic

Sweet flange is beginning to make itself known throughout the world as a powerful hallucinogenic drug. It has a number of potent effects, it acts as an aphrodisiac, it also is similar to Viagra and heightens ones sex drive.

The early traders who used Ptwang as stopping off point, found the drug very dangerous. They would take it with the locals, but found as it took effect, the usually plain looking local women began to look more attractive. The Ptwangers have a tradition that goes back many centuries, called mukki nukki. Mukki nukki is the practice of offering the local spinster women (known as muntas) to visitors. It is a great insult to turn down mukki nukki. Needless to say the traders happily participated in mukki nukki and often found themselves waking up with a local munta.

Sweet Flange is very unstable in its raw state, it is extremely volatile when mixed with saliva. Unfortunately part of the way the drug is manufactured involves the locals chewing on the sweet flange and spitting it into a bakka bowl. As a result if you visit the quaiong gin region where most of the drugs are manufactured, you will see many locals with parts of their face missing. To stabilise the Sweet Flange after the chewing phase it is mixed with urine, it is then allowed to stand for two days at which point it is ready to be taken.

Sweet Flange is generally cut with Horlicks, it can be snorted or taken as a hot drink. Most users just take it as a hot drink.

The Sweet Flange industry is run by local tribes in conjunction with the Sicilian Mafia. It is exported round the world where other gangs control its flow onto the streets.

Sweet Flange – As a weapon

Recent news reports that the USA tried to develop a new chemical weapon, which, once deployed, would turn the enemy gay, have being much ridiculed. However, we can exclusively reveal that not only was Sweet Flange the basic ingredient for such a weapon, but it has been used as a weapon for a number of years, in a number of ways, in a number of wars, against a number of enemies, by a number of people, who were in a war of numbers.

As we have seen, Sweet Flange is a dangerous narcotic, with a number of side effects. However, a chance encounter between Dr Hilary Hugaphuq of the University of BeeGee, Iowa, and the right honourable Bertam Bassett led to Sweet Flange being used as a homoerotic missile. The pair were discussing the permutations of Ptwang thermodynamics when Hugamuffins secret stash of Flange, which he intended to use that night with his wife, also named Hilary, as an aphrodisiac, fell from his waistcoat and smashed on the floor. Bassett, in one of his more strange routines had been cleaning the floor with the sweat secretions of the now extinct Kaka Kaka Monkey.

Combined, these two rare liquids gave off a pungent smell, but intoxicated the bearded men to kiss longingly and call each other ducky. They now both live in San Francisco and have adopted an Ethiopian child, which they loving named Kaka Flange Hugaphuq Bassett.

They patented their discovery, where it lay in a dusty vault until a young Colin P. Owl found it one day and took it to the US Military. Thus, if it were not for the rare supplies of Sweet Flange, and the fact that the Kaka Kaka monkey was hunted out of existence by Al-Quieda, then huge swathes of the Middle East would be listening to the Scissor Sisters whilst trimming their already impressive moustaches.

NB. This story was nearly unearthed in the early 80s, when Pop rocker Pat Benatar tried to release Stop Using Flange As A Weapon, before being censored by Tipper Gore’s genitals.

Like many oppressed peoples, the Ptwangers have fought adversity through developing a dark sense of humour. This pervades the culture to the extent that a small cargo cult has risen to Eddie Large, and despite the Ptwangers having never seen the stars he impersonates, (except Sir Cliff Richard who owns several Flange-pits) their impressions are of a similar quality to that of the man himself.

Television

The first televisions were brought to the island when a branch of Dixons was opened in Fnu-Wip-Du in 1967. Sadly electricity was not to arrive on the peninsula until 1987 and so the Ptwang Dixons expansion was set to fail. However, in the closing down sale, Prince Johnny Two-Cats discovered that the television set was exactly the correct size and weight to crush a Dwarf Beetle and allow access to the highly potent semidigested sweet flange in its jejunum - the so-called acrid flange. Dixons was destroyed the following day as acrid flange has similar properties to PCP in its raw state and when cooked makes the B’twano cabbage taste like lime.

The television became the key hunting tool of the Ptwangers. Its use at short range limited by the arboreal nature of the Dwarf Beetle and its suspicious nature the television catapult was soon developed. However, this made the television very much a one shot weapon and so a device very much like a yo-yo was developed attaching a TV to the elastic vines of the Cheggers plant from which the Ptwang women normally make their brassieres.

With the arrival of electricity, television broadcasting was soon to follow, although Ptwang as yet has only two terrestrial channels, both of which show mainly imported comedies. A third channel went bust after the huge cost of buying Friends failed to pay off as the Ptwangers reviled its tacit homophobia. The current most popular programme is Comedy Pygmies with regular viewing figures of 7. Only 8 televisions are tuned to the network due to the demand for acrid flange, meaning that Happy Days on the other side is viewed only rarely, sadly leading the locals to be unaware of the commercial potential of living in the only known habitat of the bearded Fonz.

Comedy Festival
Although yet to rival the Edinburgh fringe or Montreal’s Juste Pour Rire festivals, Ptwang’s annual comedic celebration continues to grow in popularity. Lee Evans appeared some years ago but became too sweaty early on and had to receive intravenous fluids. Due to play this years festival are a number of local acts including Gandalf the Blue, Squealy Dan the Bruce Lee tribute act and the Giggle Twins (Ptwang’s answer to the Chuckle Brothers).

National Anthem

Although God save the Queen is still officially the Ptwang national anthem, their unnofical national anthem is played on an eight foot cheggers vine bra strap, it is pulled taut by the young man of the village who most recently dropped a telly on a dwarf beetle. Then the village elder with the most purulent flange lung gives the ceremonial cough and the youth releases the strap - Ptwang!!

Everyone stands up salutes and then buggers off back down the flange pit

The Bongo

The Bongo is somewhat of an institution among the Ptwangers, an infectious love that has spread to visitors to the Peninsula both tourists and aid workers. It is particularly attractive to the menfolk particularly those of a more rotund nature. Frequently a man will return to his home in the early hours of the morning, after a night at the Bongo, dishevelled, reeking of sweat and cheap drink. Due to their easier style of playing, female exponents of the Bongo are known as slappers. Known for their aggressive stance towards the amateur, they see the Bongo as their domain and can often be feared due to their aggression to other women. They interact with males of the Bongo in a much more leisurely fashion

The ecology of Ptwang is both interesting and unique and presents scientists, from all disciplines, with a series of puzzles which are aching to be solved.

Sweet Flange and the Dwarf Beetle

Sweet flange is found nowhere else on the planet apart from on the Ptwang Peninsula. It is a combination of a coal-like substance and the microscopic organism Flangula Latuseris.

This organism, in turn, is found only in the dung of the Ptwang dwarf beetle and it is believed that sweet flange is formed, over a period of millennia, by a chemical reaction between dwarf beetle droppings, containing the organism, and the coal-like substance that forms the basis of sweet flange.

What has puzzled scientists more than anything, about this, is that Flangula Latuseris does not form in the gut, and is therefore not present in the droppings, of Ptwang dwarf beetles removed from their native environment. Ptwang dwarf beetles are known to feed, sparingly, on sweet flange, at the onset of their mating season and it is this feeding which results in the parthenogenesis of Flangula Latuseris. They subsequently deposit dung on the flange beds and thus, eventually, more sweet flange is formed.

So, what came first - sweet flange or the organism? This is the sort of question of which scientists would love to find the answer. So far, however, grants for the study of the Ptwang dwarf beetle have been limited and hard to come by. If just one percent of the funds that have, over the years, been allocated to the study of sweet flange and its manifold commercial qualities had been dedicated to true scientific research, one of the greatest mysteries of the universe might already have been solved.

The Bearded Fonz

Like the Yeti of Bhutan, or the North American Sasquatch, Ptwang has its own old man of the woods legend in the shape of the bearded Fonz (Fonzarelli Barbii). First spotted by Major Bunty Buntington junior in 1889, the bearded Fonz was already well known to the Ptwangers but they didn’t have a flag so it didn’t count.

Legend has it, that if a Ptwang family are to have twin girls, they must be left on the outskirts of the village at night. At this point the whole village shutters themselves away fearing the mating cry of “heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy” that indicates that the bearded Fonz is approaching the village. The Fonz then gets off with the twins before returning to his solitary existence elbowing trees to make them play 50’s music. The bearded Fonz appears in many ways similar to the common Fonz but has a beard.